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Friday, March 18, 2011

Haunted by my BRCA gene!

So I have cruising along, going about my business over the last 8 months since my pbm. I decided that 2011 was the year of silence. Silence being BRCA free, surgery free, stress free, worry free. I was determined to just enjoy my kids and my life until this monday!
It all just feel in on me, once again! I had my routine 6 month vaginal ultra sound and received a call about my results on thursday. Now my NP always calls me and gives me my results of ca 125 and US. I should have known after it was more than just a day that I hadn't heard from her. She went on to inform me that there is a "cystic lesion" on my right ovary and b/c of my BRCA history, and b/c of the features of the lesion I need to consider getting my ovary/ovaries out. The only way of knowing it is not malignant is by removing it. I now have any appointment with my gyn/oncologist to discuss my options and hear what she has to say!
I literally was frozen at my work desk, surrounded by all of my patients overwhelming diagnosis' of cancer, wondering what the hell just changed in a matter of a second. I remember staring at the number on my phone, not knowing who was calling, but contemplating answering it. My eyes where frozen in time, now I know why. It's as if I knew!
What is the most upsetting and difficult about this whole thing is I once again feel forced to make a decision about my body that I am not fully ready for. I feel like my body has failed me! I'm angry, scared, frustrated and fearful of all these changes that I have put my body through over the last 4 years. I get my boobs removed b/c I will do anything to be healthy and avoid breast cancer, and I truly believed ovarian was not something I would really have to worry about. I knew I would get the oophorectomy b/c I knew my risks, but I just didn't really panic about it. No one in my family had ovarian cancer, so it was the typical "won't happen to me". And now I'm being told I may have a malignancy on my ovary. WTF just happened.
One of the most difficult things to swallow in all this is I had not made a decision as to whether I was done having kids. I have two beautiful kids, that I am so grateful for, but to be told or have the choice taken away from you just seems so unfair. I talked to a friend tonight, who is an oncology nurse practitioner, who said it perfectly. "I am mourning the third child I could not have, the one I envisioned." And you know, she is right. It sounds intense and above the top, but that is how I feel. I'm sad! A lot of it goes back to when my brother died. I remember thinking what would I do without my sister, so thankful that my parents had three kids. And I always said I would have three kids for that reason. It is a little crazy and twisted, but that was my thinking. And it has always been with me! I also love the dynamics of siblings too. It all just pisses me off!
So help me out BRCA friends! What have your experiences been with oophorectomies, are others MD's recommending total hysterectomy, menopause issues, and does a "cyst" mean take it all out right away! AHHHHHHHH!
I once again need your advice, your support and your stories to guide me through this difficult decision!

Thanks for listening!

1 comment:

  1. There is a very good article with some information about the BRCA1 gene I wanted to show you.