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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Telling Friends and Family!

So I have been thinking alot about how to personally explain to friends and family my choice in going forward with surgery. I know, most people may say who cares, this is your decision. But I do not enjoy elephants in the room. I want to be the one to tell people, I do not want to be part of a rumor mill or "hey did you hear, conversation". My mind is made up, but I do care about what people know and feel this is my opportunity to "teach" people what BRCA is all about and how important it is to truly understand it's implications and impact on our lives.

Now my words will only be shared with those friends and family members I am close too or consider important in my life. Unfortunately, with life being what it is, I do not get to talk or see these people as much as I would like, so I feel for that reason I want them to understand my choices and what I have been going through over the last year or so. I of course have many people who do know, but I have not really been the one telling them. My mom has helped pass the word along. I tend to get emotional when really talking about it. I never know when it is going to hit either. Sometimes I can talk freely about it, and other times, I just get scared and cry! So that is why I feel a letter is my best bet. I just do not want to run into a friend and have it be awkward. Probably more awkward for me, and this will be something I will have to gain with time. Regaining confidence and confidence in my choice. I have no doubt this is what I have to do, but it does not make explaining any easier.

Let me know if you have any ideas in telling family or friends about your experience.

Thanks for listening!
Kim

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Date Is Set!

I frequently check my blog and other's blogs and I realize that we all take BRCA breaks. I get deeply taken in by my BRCA life, and then I can completely shut it off. In making some the most important decisions of my life, I have sort of shut out and off talking about it all. I do not recommend this as a good coping mechanism. In fact I have been finalizing alot of details and I have been finding myself pulling away from people and my supports.

This whole journey has actually resurfaced a lot of old "issues" for me. Issues being emotions. I finally listened to all the people who recommended me go and talk with someone about this whole process to help guide me through or sort things out. So I started seeing a social worker who has experience with grief, breast cancer patients, etc. My first meeting with her felt as if she lifted a weight off my shoulders. She freed me of so many emotions that have been building and boiling within. So I have found it so helpful to talk with someone who does not know me personally, judge me, and can guide me without having a personal opinion .

So with that being said I scheduled my surgery date. July 28th will be my bilateral prophylactic mastectomy. I still can not believe those words are coming out of my mouth. I truly believe I am in a bit of denial. I think denial and staying really busy will get my ass into the operating room a little easier, but my denial scares me b/c I worry about what will happen after surgery. Will it hit me like a ton of bricks?

I feel a lot of stress building about caring for my kids. They seem to be my biggest concern with this whole thing. Then everything else follows. I have a great support system, but I do not really know how I am going to feel and what I will actually need. I am a very private person too, so I am particular with who I have around me. Maybe I sold say I am an emotional person and need to have people around me who understand me! My little girl is into everything, not walking yet, but needs constant watching, and getting all her teeth at once. My husband is great, but these are things mommies just tend to get deal with better. My son is 4, and a very sensitive smart child. He is beyond his years and is very much a thinker. There is no pulling the wool over his eyes, and I do not know what or how I will explain this to him. He always wants to know who, what , where,when and why! I trying to figure all those out myself. I just want my family to be least affected by this. Maybe they could send me away and I can come back a new woman! yeah right.

Well the count down begins!
Thanks for listening
Kim
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