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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Just said good bye to my kids!!

Well I have officially lost my shit! I have no control over my emotions what so ever. My husband had to bring my children
to my mother in laws alone b/c I just could not do it. I did not want my kids seeing me upset, I have shown them none of that. Just the thought of leaving them for a few days breaks my heart. I am a rational thinker as well. I know they will be fine, I know they are well cared for. But I am angry b/c this whole damn gene is keeping me from them, and from them for weeks.

I know in the end I will be happy and have relief. But right now rationalizing is a bit hard. My bags are packed, I had my nuclear med injection done today for the sentinel node biopsy. Which by the way I was freaking out with anxiety about. The thought of putting a small, sharp needle into my nipple or around it just did not settle with me. My MD gave me "EMLA" creme, which it did actually work, it numbed the area around the injection site and really just stung a bit. AHHHHHH! Big breath. I was so relieved, and also thought myself at that point to be crazy.

So I sit here alone in my bedroom on my computer allowing my brain to rummage through all the crazy thoughts I have. I just really want this day to come to an end, so this whole life changing journey can be behind me. I am ready to look back on it now. The journey has been exhausting for me.

I also wanted to let others know that I received a great basket to help me prepare and go through my mastectomy from http://embracingmastectomy.com
I have also received some great personal advice and support from a kind woman who organizes this company, Elizabeth. So thank you Elizabeth for all your support and check out the site.

Well wish me luck all! And thank you to all of you bloggers who have been there or floating around in the same boat. You have truly lifted me up and given me stregnth to go forward with this.

Luck to all....
My journey continues...
Kim

Our Husbands...

Woke up this am feeling overwhelmed, sick stomach and uncontrollable tears. I layed in bed and heard the chaos of children in the morning and I had to dig really deep to join them. Put on a happy face right. My husband has truly been amazing,and has been my rock through this.

He has been the silent strength that has guided me through this last year. He has kept his own fears and concerns to himself. We have talked about what we have needed to talk about, but kept it simple. This is our coping mechanism I guess. He just feels it is something that needs to be done, so we accept it, embrace it, and move through it.

We have been married six years on july 31st. This anniversary will be one we will never forget. The true strength of our marriage is being challenged right now. I know this is not easy for him. He will be taking on all of the burdens that I can not, but I think he will come out of this a better person, with more awareness and appreciation. I hope it helps us grow stronger as a couple.

Well to my husband,thank you for being my back bone right now! I love you!

THanks for listening!
Kim

Monday, July 26, 2010

"Just Keep Swimming, just keep swimming"!

My roommates from college always called me "kimmy boombatz" when my tough side would appear. Of course I especially thought this was funny, b/c I never viewed myself as a tough girl. I try to avoid conflict all at cost. However, when I am in it, I do show another side. I never had a "girl fight", but I have found myself in sticky situations, but I always solve them some what rationally. So this side of me, "kimmy boombatz" I have decided is who I need to be present to get me throughout his freaking surgery. I have a day left, and I am in the hands of some of the best surgeons in the world. Which I feel very grateful for, but I am scared shitless.

I am emotional as all hell about my kids. I told my son last night and he took it like such a trooper. He is four, and let me tell you, nothing gets by this kid. He told me he would help me, and watch lots of movies with me, his biggest question and concern was would I let him eat popcorn in bed! Of course I will! What an amazing child. My daughter is my little "hemorrhoid", I like to call her with the upmost respect! :-). She is only 15 months old and is a mommy's girl. She want me for everything. To hug her, hold her, play with her. I love it, I love her, but how the hell am I am going to do this with her being like this. She is great when she is with someone else and I am not around, but if I am around she wants me. I don't want to be apart from her for long periods of time either. So I am nervous about her!

I have not talked to many of my friends either lately. Simply because I can not! I cry, I get emotional. I just am trying to stay within myself and my family right now. Being tough as nails, like kimmy boombatz is how I have to be, this other side of me is making me weak and too scared. I need to feel fearless, and confident.

I got a call for the anesthesiologist today who asked me about receiving a paravertebral nerve block before my surgery. They are performing these as standard of care now, but of course can decline it. I think I am going for it! Nervous though. I hate anesthesia, bottom line. Anyone have this done??? I also have to go and have my dye injected into my boobs tomorrow for the sentinel node biopsy. This too is freaking me out! I just can not imagine this feels ok! Anyone??????

Well the time is nearing that I must release myself to medicine and a greater being. Work really hard on getting kimmy boombatz to show up that morning.

To sum it all really! I feel like Nemo's dad, in finding Nemo.... "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"!!!

Thanks for listening!
Kim

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Celebration of Life

Today I spent the day with my little sister, showering her and her baby-to-be. Watching her over these past months grow a little baby is amazing, but watching her turn into a mother is even more touching. I have had two children myself, but to see my little sister who I shared a room with, a bath tub, our childhood and life with just fills me with such joy. Joy that has been tough to come by these days. It was so nice to think and focus on a new life that is about to come into this world.

My sister is too BRCA +, and has decided to start her family before she goes about surgery. Her body is doing as it is supposed to do right now in the process of growing a child. It is natural and organic; and she truly looks amazing. I think about what I am about to do and I am in a way taking away the organic-ness of my body. The most natural way of feeding and developing a child will be taken from me. What makes me feel feminine and sexual at times will be taken from me. What I spent my adolescents hiding because I felt I was too young for breasts, will be taken from me. These are the thoughts that make me sad and makes me wonder how I feel after the surgery is done, and what I will feel about the new breasts I will have. Will they be "ME".

With those fearful and negative thoughts come a sense of relief as well. I am relieved to have this year behind me, to have a sense of security in my body, to be able to move forward and live a long, healthy life. I know this will be but a moment in my life I learn from and hope I take away from it enough strength and courage to help others who too face these challenging decisions.

So I guess as I am mourning the loss of my natural breasts, I can not help but think about how much they could take away from me and what this mutation has taken from my own mother and all those before her. So I must embrace this knowledge, be thankful I have found an amazing surgeon, and allow myself to feel all the emotions that are part of making this choice and I will celebrate life, the life that I will have after this surgery and the little life that I will part of in my sisters belly!

A week and 1/2 left...

Thanks for listening!
Kim

Monday, July 12, 2010

Butterfly Kisses

Tonight I sat rocking my little girl in the chair to snuggle her while she had trouble getting back to sleep. I am not one for rocking my kids to sleep, just b/c I have heard bedtime nightmares with kids depending on it. But of course when they need their love and snuggles I am open arms. As I sat holding her, I felt a soft rub against my cheek,,,it was her long, little eyelashes. "Butterfly kisses". Ahh, it made my heart melt and tears just started falling.

It is those moments that have made the decision to have pbm a no brainer. Those are the moments I need to be here for. I want to be able to experience fully my children's life and their own growth. I also feel the sadness for myself in some way too. As she lay against my chest tonight I thought am I going to feel this in two months. Will it feel the same to hug and lay with my kids. I will never be able to breast feed again, and how am I going to tell a one year old mommy can't hold you. That breaks me up inside. I know it is temporary, but it really weighs heavy at times. The emotions and thoughts go from one extreme to another.

As July 28th come near, I feel that this journey is becoming more of an emotional one rather than a physical one. It is not just about losing a part of myself, but trying to think and prepare for the unknown. Anticipation! There is the rational, medical side of me who knows things will be hard in the beginning then gradually become normal again. Then the irrational, emotional, analytical side who fears this surgery will change who I am forever, and nothing will be what it was; that being my life. Those are two very big differences in thinking. It goes beyond a mastectomy, I am rethinking my whole life, and with the way my life has been, I am reliving the roller-coaster, but looking at it in a whole different light. Perhaps it is looking at my own mortality, how fragile our bodies are, and how our bodies can turn on us at any moment.

It is the thought of not feeling safe in my own body that I frequently feel these days. Who doesn't feel safe in their own body? And I am not ill! As my breast surgery comes closer, the fear of ovarian cancer lurks in the background. Last month I was convinced I had something going on with my ovaries. It consumed me at times. I do not consider myself to be a paranoid person, but I had fear in my bones. I thought, great I am going to remove my breast, and then get diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It is never ending. Will I ever trust this body? Will this surgery give me peace?

In order to move forward and stay positive, I will embrace and hold onto my butterfly kisses. And be thankful for everyday!

Thanks for listening!
Kim
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