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Monday, July 26, 2010

"Just Keep Swimming, just keep swimming"!

My roommates from college always called me "kimmy boombatz" when my tough side would appear. Of course I especially thought this was funny, b/c I never viewed myself as a tough girl. I try to avoid conflict all at cost. However, when I am in it, I do show another side. I never had a "girl fight", but I have found myself in sticky situations, but I always solve them some what rationally. So this side of me, "kimmy boombatz" I have decided is who I need to be present to get me throughout his freaking surgery. I have a day left, and I am in the hands of some of the best surgeons in the world. Which I feel very grateful for, but I am scared shitless.

I am emotional as all hell about my kids. I told my son last night and he took it like such a trooper. He is four, and let me tell you, nothing gets by this kid. He told me he would help me, and watch lots of movies with me, his biggest question and concern was would I let him eat popcorn in bed! Of course I will! What an amazing child. My daughter is my little "hemorrhoid", I like to call her with the upmost respect! :-). She is only 15 months old and is a mommy's girl. She want me for everything. To hug her, hold her, play with her. I love it, I love her, but how the hell am I am going to do this with her being like this. She is great when she is with someone else and I am not around, but if I am around she wants me. I don't want to be apart from her for long periods of time either. So I am nervous about her!

I have not talked to many of my friends either lately. Simply because I can not! I cry, I get emotional. I just am trying to stay within myself and my family right now. Being tough as nails, like kimmy boombatz is how I have to be, this other side of me is making me weak and too scared. I need to feel fearless, and confident.

I got a call for the anesthesiologist today who asked me about receiving a paravertebral nerve block before my surgery. They are performing these as standard of care now, but of course can decline it. I think I am going for it! Nervous though. I hate anesthesia, bottom line. Anyone have this done??? I also have to go and have my dye injected into my boobs tomorrow for the sentinel node biopsy. This too is freaking me out! I just can not imagine this feels ok! Anyone??????

Well the time is nearing that I must release myself to medicine and a greater being. Work really hard on getting kimmy boombatz to show up that morning.

To sum it all really! I feel like Nemo's dad, in finding Nemo.... "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming"!!!

Thanks for listening!
Kim

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