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Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Date Is Set!

I frequently check my blog and other's blogs and I realize that we all take BRCA breaks. I get deeply taken in by my BRCA life, and then I can completely shut it off. In making some the most important decisions of my life, I have sort of shut out and off talking about it all. I do not recommend this as a good coping mechanism. In fact I have been finalizing alot of details and I have been finding myself pulling away from people and my supports.

This whole journey has actually resurfaced a lot of old "issues" for me. Issues being emotions. I finally listened to all the people who recommended me go and talk with someone about this whole process to help guide me through or sort things out. So I started seeing a social worker who has experience with grief, breast cancer patients, etc. My first meeting with her felt as if she lifted a weight off my shoulders. She freed me of so many emotions that have been building and boiling within. So I have found it so helpful to talk with someone who does not know me personally, judge me, and can guide me without having a personal opinion .

So with that being said I scheduled my surgery date. July 28th will be my bilateral prophylactic mastectomy. I still can not believe those words are coming out of my mouth. I truly believe I am in a bit of denial. I think denial and staying really busy will get my ass into the operating room a little easier, but my denial scares me b/c I worry about what will happen after surgery. Will it hit me like a ton of bricks?

I feel a lot of stress building about caring for my kids. They seem to be my biggest concern with this whole thing. Then everything else follows. I have a great support system, but I do not really know how I am going to feel and what I will actually need. I am a very private person too, so I am particular with who I have around me. Maybe I sold say I am an emotional person and need to have people around me who understand me! My little girl is into everything, not walking yet, but needs constant watching, and getting all her teeth at once. My husband is great, but these are things mommies just tend to get deal with better. My son is 4, and a very sensitive smart child. He is beyond his years and is very much a thinker. There is no pulling the wool over his eyes, and I do not know what or how I will explain this to him. He always wants to know who, what , where,when and why! I trying to figure all those out myself. I just want my family to be least affected by this. Maybe they could send me away and I can come back a new woman! yeah right.

Well the count down begins!
Thanks for listening

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