Think, Damn it!

Think, think, think!!
Why can I not focus or think about the decisions and choices I have to make. I am trying desperately to decide on a date to have my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. Searching for that perfect time in my chaotic life to strip myself of my woman parts. (I know negative nelly!) But for some reason I just keep shutting off the thoughts. Putting them away in a tidy little box in my head. Maybe later! Maybe I'll take that thought out later, and I go about the rest of my day.

What frustrates me about the inability to think about this, is I want to be emotionally and mentally prepared for this surgery. Not thinking about it, is not going to benefit me. I read so many blogs about the in depth search woman take into themselves in making these choices, and I am not even close to doing any of this. There is no self exploration going on in my head. WHY?

I have my follow up appointment today with the oncologist. Perhaps this will trigger some thoughts. I also feel somewhat of a time constraint in making these decisions. I have two young children who will need to be cared for. The month of July is when my husband is off from work. So obviously, this would be an ideal time. He can deal with the kids as I am healing. I also have one of my girlfriends who I have asked to be, "my person" through this. She will be able to help me out as well. I do believe I will need a "person"/Friend to be there. There are just things that "men/husbands" will not understand. Don't get me wrong my husband has supported me through all of this, but I do not believe he truly has a handle on the possible impact it may have. On both of us! I also need to give work a heads up about when I will be out. Stress!

I worry because I may come off as a pretty confident person, but it is always that confident person who really has the insecurities. I have always been insecure about my weight, my body image, etc, even though I am not considered "overweight". I am battling baby weight right now, and had hoped to lose all of it by surgery time. Yeah, that is happening! NOT! Just me being a woman I suppose. I have become more accepting of my body as I have gotten older and have had children, but I certainly do not feel like walking around in my underwear and bra anymore. What am I talking about, I never did that! Anyway, this worries me b/c how am I going to feel with no breasts! Am I going to hide myself from my husband or always worry what people are saying while I'm in bathing suit? So many fears and questions.

There is this part of me that says, "just wait, do it in a couple years!" But I will freaking flip if I was diagnosed with breast cancer b/c I waited for a more convenient time. The whole point is all this is prevention. Not having my kids or husband have to watch me go through treatment or be sick. I know this, but the thought is still there.

Because of my profession I have seen mastectomy scars, reconstructions, expanders, etc. I have had the opportunity to talk with woman who have had the surgeries, hear their stories, their problems, but for some reason this does not fulfill me. I still feel lost. Of course these people do not know what I am going through or that I may be joining their "group". So the connection is not really there perhaps. Not yet at least. I think if I had breast cancer my perception would be take them off, get rid of them. But because I do not, it becomes truly my ultimate choice. No one can tell you cancer will definitely come your way even though you have the gene. No guarantees either way!

I guess the reality is, I don't want to lose my breast! I do not really want this to be happening at all. I also do not want breast cancer or ovarian cancer. So the choice is mine!

Think, think, think!
Thanks for listening
~Kim