What is the lesson here?

Today is a day that I am trying desperately to figure out WHY? Why I am BRCA +, why my sister is BRCA + and my mother? Why!? I know, sometimes there is no reasoning for or answers, but it is so frustrating.

I have taken most events or happenings in my life and tried to turn them into a learning experience or allowed it to shape me in some way or another. Some are easy lessons, others have taken years, some I still am working on. I am sick of learning from my experiences to be honest. Today is one of those days that I have to dig deep inside and think that there must be a purpose here. Because why would this be occurring. I know I am feeling bad for myself and my family, but I feel that I am allowed to on occasion.

Today is a day that I just want my breast removed. I am sick of wondering, waiting, trying to time my life according how old I am and how many kids I want, or will I get cancer before that time. I feel like I am on the clock. "ok, lets go!" If you want more kids- have them now! Lets go- lets go! There is such an urgency about this. And honestly, I get the urgency. I feel it in my bones. I lay awake at night wondering when, how old will I be, should I just do the surgery now, or wait! It is an unsettling sense of urgency. And no one can and will tell you what to do. That would be too easy. They suggest or recommend!

I think about work, and my kids, my husband! How will this impact them. Yet, how will it be to have young children and undergo breast cancer treatment. I see it everyday. Young families blind sided by cancer. One day your healthy, worried about what is for dinner or who will bring the kids to practice, the next day you are wondering if you will live. It's is heartbreaking and inspiring to watch a family dynamic when faced with adversity. Some come out on top and thrive, others fold and become consumed!

I remember before my brother died I thought imagined what would happen to me if he had died. I tried to foresee what it would be like. I imagined I would drop out of college, shrink into a ball, become depressed and miserable, and my life as I knew it would be no more. After my brother died it was as if I did the complete opposite of what I expected of myself. It was instinctual too! I just kept my head above water, barely! I went back to school two weeks later, took my final exams, got the best grades I had any other semester, I returned to work, went out with friends, became a nurse, then a nurse practitioner.Who would have thought! Don't get me wrong, mentally I was not there, but physically I did what I had to. Like Dori says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".

Well, I will end my rant on a positive note...
Knowledge is power, my gene is no longer hidden, it's face has been reveled, so I have the power!

Thanks for listening!
Kim