Today I spent the day with my little sister, showering her and her baby-to-be. Watching her over these past months grow a little baby is amazing, but watching her turn into a mother is even more touching. I have had two children myself, but to see my little sister who I shared a room with, a bath tub, our childhood and life with just fills me with such joy. Joy that has been tough to come by these days. It was so nice to think and focus on a new life that is about to come into this world.
My sister is too BRCA +, and has decided to start her family before she goes about surgery. Her body is doing as it is supposed to do right now in the process of growing a child. It is natural and organic; and she truly looks amazing. I think about what I am about to do and I am in a way taking away the organic-ness of my body. The most natural way of feeding and developing a child will be taken from me. What makes me feel feminine and sexual at times will be taken from me. What I spent my adolescents hiding because I felt I was too young for breasts, will be taken from me. These are the thoughts that make me sad and makes me wonder how I feel after the surgery is done, and what I will feel about the new breasts I will have. Will they be "ME".
With those fearful and negative thoughts come a sense of relief as well. I am relieved to have this year behind me, to have a sense of security in my body, to be able to move forward and live a long, healthy life. I know this will be but a moment in my life I learn from and hope I take away from it enough strength and courage to help others who too face these challenging decisions.
So I guess as I am mourning the loss of my natural breasts, I can not help but think about how much they could take away from me and what this mutation has taken from my own mother and all those before her. So I must embrace this knowledge, be thankful I have found an amazing surgeon, and allow myself to feel all the emotions that are part of making this choice and I will celebrate life, the life that I will have after this surgery and the little life that I will part of in my sisters belly!
A week and 1/2 left...
Thanks for listening!
Kim
Counting the days with you and sending positive energy your way. Just keep in the "zone" now, and the courage of your convictions will . You are taking on BRCA on your own terms. Afterwards, you will most certainly celebrate life even more joyfully than before!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your surgery!
ReplyDeleteYou are making the best decision for you, and your family. I am 24, and had my pbm this past April. I have no regrets. I will never be able to breast feed my child, but I know I will be alive for them, and healthy for them which is more important! There are many things that can replace breast milk, but no one can replace a childs mother!
The relief you will feel once on the 'otherside' is huge! Best of luck to you, for a speedy recovery!